A MOMENT IN TIME...

What is the most terrible gift any one can get for his/her Birthday???

Just a few days before his 59th Birthday, My abah was diagnosed with Nasopharyngeal Carcinoma, a type of cancer in the back division of his nose.

He had suspected this somehow, after several episodes of nose bleed and buzzing sounds in his left ear that has been going on for years.

A biopsy tells all and a CT Scan confirmed it.

The earth collapsed on me, as it I had stopped breathing and had forgotten how to start again upon hearing it coming from the Doctor's lips. CANCER is the most dreaded word of all in my dictionary of ailments.Afterall, the doctor has chosen me between my brothers to spill it. As if I was the strongest one, although the truth is I was Abah most spoiled one. He was everything to me, I even had a notion that he must ,should be immortal. He must not felt terribly sick.He must be there for me always. He must not die.

Although sometimes I did, had put some thoughts of how my parents would one day fell ill, bed ridden, old and weak...I would brush off the images as quickly as I can. I want my Abah to be as happy as jovial as high sprited as loving as I ever, forever.

God, how would I react to see him on a hospital bed , weak and fragile? What would I do to this hero of mine at that time? while all this time, he was beside me when I was sick and stroke my hair and utter his sweet words... Can I do the same to him? His thick black hair would be thinned, his big build body will shrinked and and.........Ya Allah please give him strengh to go on and fight. After all he was always a fighter and he was the one who tought me that, never give up , as sucess is 99% inspritation and 1% perspiration.

There was a very big lump in my chest. I dont know how I did it, but my composure was in control, at times I pictured my self broke down and wailed , cried my self out. My body was shaken so hard upon stepping out from the doctor's room, approching a group of curious faces, my Abah of course, my mom and my two brothers. I fought back my tears and lead them to the Oncologist clinic. And I didnt have to say anything, its understood. When I said Doctor Hussin (ENT specialist) had referred him to an Oncologist, it was understood. And we held each other's hand and walked there, in silent. Dead silent. For the first time in my life I felt that my soul was empty. My head was empty. I refused to have any thoughts as if a single trace of it would hurt me badly.

He is quite head strong , my abah. He followed where ever we took him to, for treatment, but he had made his point, he wants a radiotheraphy and chemotheraphy as told by his doctor despite of our consoling words of trying to induce him in getting an alternative treatment since we are dead scared of the consequences and terrible side effects that would do to our beloved Abah.

He was quiet. And infact he had became more to himself lately, very quiet. I kew he is scared, and yess I am too, all of us do. How I wish I am able to at least take away his fear although what I wanted to do the most is take away his pain.And how I wish that this is all a bad dream.I would soon wake up and smile, thanking God that its was only a bad dream. But everytime, I felt the pain whenever I pinched my arm.

For him, other method or medications are only auxillary. Enough said. Apa nak kata he was from the ol school , when you are sick, you go and see a doctor and that's it. If u die, its your ajal.

Yesterday was the only time he was settled with idea of alternative medicine upon meeting Prof Dr Azimahtol Hawariah, a UKM researcher and a herbalist as she gave a go to conventional theraphy by the doctors and as to help reducing the side effect, she prescribed certain herbs preparation which according to her own years of reserach, would help kill the cancer cell and reduce the cruel effect of radiation, Insyallah.

So, this it is . He had made his decision, he would get his treatment in Universiti Malaya Specialist centre and as a complimentary, he would take healings herbs by Prof Hawariah. Thanks to dearest Kak Wan Shana , we learned that there is another radiation treatment called brachytherapy apart from chemotheraphy and Abah was so happy to know that.

Till then, we are having our fingers crossed and prayed so hard for him as only Allah is our salvation. No matter how superb the treatment that we can get for him, only He has the power to heal.

Happy Birthday my dearest Abah, my hero, my best friend. Really really pray that you have a many many many more happy return of the day.

Subhanallah Allahu Akhbar. Be tough , we will always be beside you and Allah will always look upon you.